This past year I’ve felt like a huge chunk of something has been missing from my life. Last year seemed very filled with promise for me in my life. This past year I’ve been more filled with depression. I gave up many hobbies and things I enjoyed and still turned to other things to fill the void like drinking wine almost every night. I gained about 20 pounds this past year. I believe mostly due to stress and lack of self-care. A big thing for me this past year has been me beating myself up especially over the past. I think people are the hardest on themselves. So cultivating a sense of compassion for myself is a goal of mine for the rest of this year. As well as focusing back on my self-care without getting burned out.
This past year I was more lonely then I’d been in awhile. Yes I was married but it was not what I thought it would be. Marriage can be fun and amazing but it can also be hard and a struggle. It takes a lot of compromise and I like having independence. Probably my Aquarian spirit. Also dealing a lot this past year with my husbands mental health issues. I took the focus off myself and my hopes and dreams and instead I ended up pretty unhappy in the process. I felt like I lost myself. My own mental health has suffered this past year. But, I feel like I’m in a place where I can and have to put the focus back on my own self-care. I know if I don’t I’ll be miserable. And that won’t fair well for anything or anyone in my life.
This morning I went into my insight timer meditation app and selected my mood as just okay. I’ve been happier the past few weeks but I’m not at a place that I want to be at. And meditations about having self-compassion and being in the present moment popped up on my phone screen. I realized I haven’t had much compassion for myself these past few years. I can be harsh with myself. When I should be gentle and delicate with myself.
I’ve felt a lot of lack in my life for more years then I care to admit to. And was always looking for something outside myself to fill the void. At moments I felt peace and content with my life. But mostly just felt like a failure. I lacked my health mostly because I was not taking care of my self and my own needs. I had a precancer scare but luckily for the first time in a few years I’ve gotten a clean bill of health. I’ve started eating healthier again. It is not easy but it is harder not feeling good in my own skin. It is harder being depressed then it is to take care of my needs.
The things I’ve been missing this past year between my marriage trials, my husbands mental health, and my own mental health has been my relationships and making my boundaries and my own self-care a priority in my life. Too many times I feel especially as women that we feel like we need to make everyone else happy even if it makes us unhappy in the process. I’ve done a lot of soul searching these past few months and have thought about the things that would make me happy and light me up and if I can even give myself a little of that then it is progress. Like going for a run and listening to good music that I enjoy. Getting back into meditation and some sort of spiritual practice. I have veered further from religion this past year but I do believe having self-care and spiritual practices is still essential to my well being.
I crave female friendships. That is something I’ve not had too much of for most of my life. At times I feel like it might just not be in the cards for me to have friends. But, it is still something my soul yearns for. I think everyone needs some sort of connection. I am not good at keeping up with people and picking up the phone. And most days this past year I haven’t felt much like talking. But, my goal for the rest of the year is to have more social connections if that be with old friends, new friends, and/or family.
Ultimately, my goal for the rest of this year is to take small steps everyday to get to the place in my life that I want to be in. A place where I am fulfilled, optimistic, healthy, and happy.
